Drugs...Death...and Dancing: Part III

 

...right now, right now

I want someone to kiss my forehead

and tell me

they are lucky to have me...

All I ever wanted to be was a 

Sweetheart
 and a good Mom.

I would take the kids for walks, 
that was our special time, where we would share the day, our cares, giggles, dreams.

They never got to old for that...they just got busy.

Sports, dating, school, jobs...LIFE.

We had struggles, like anybody else I am sure.

My man, was always willing to work, and eventually I found myself seeking a way to help out financially.  I cleaned homes, and businesses, commercial accounts as well as construction clean up, subtracted with Disaster Kleen-Up.   And then I decided I did not want to retire on my knees, so off I went and applied at an entry level position with a doctors office.

I LOVED IT!

My heart is with people.

My mission statement for every realm of my life:  home, work, play, church...became,

"Make 'em glad they came, no matter what!"

I can honestly say, that part of life was easy...it is natural to gravitate to the twinkle in a persons eye...make a handshake count, share a meaningful hug, or a touch to the shoulder.

What became the challenge when problems came, was to say:

We will work through this.

And then the guilt assailed me, as certain facts came to light...how had this happened?  Where in the world, was I as this behavior was taking root?   I had a great relationship with my kids... we could talk about anything...always  became, sorta', kinda' in the throes of a crisis...

So how do you live through a child, going to jail? 

It was  HELL...to see that soul you gave birth to, caged and fettered, controlled in the visits to sunshine, air, rainstorms...Christmas...

Tough love???

Consequence. 

And when you think your heart, simply cannot be broke again, it is.

You come to share a personal relationship in the agony and understanding of our Father in Heaven.

You appreciate more, those first rays of sunlight.  As you lay and let them sink into you, they become part of your DNA...to pass it along, in the next embrace...the next kiss, or hello.

You show up every week, for the visit.   You write letters.   You cry and pray a lot...you keep trying to make a difference, but so aware...that maybe you haven't in the lives of those who absolutely mean the MOST...

You never quit.  

 You keep HOPE, alive. 

Faith, isn't faith...until, it's all you have.

The only thing that makes sense...is that I had to have signed up for this, knowing it would be tough...but the benefits of the experience, far out weigh the personal pain.

Putting all else aside, it was the only logical conclusion, I came up with...

I remember having a talk with our third son, one night, in the darkness of an unlit room.  He was too, ashamed to have me look at him, but he needed to speak.

I asked him, WHY...please, I just need to understand the compulsion.

"Mom, it's like unwrapping your favorite piece of bubble-gum, that wonderful smell, the anticipation...then popping it into your mouth... you can feel the softness, laying on your tongue...your salivary glands are on overload...the juices begin to bubble up, and then you are told, DON'T CHEW IT, the compelling need to just chomp down on it once, takes over, any other thought you might have in your head.

When, the deliciousness is wore off, you want another piece."

Out of our five children, three have spent time behind bars.  Two, were compelled, one turned their self in...all related to prescription drug abuse, and what they did to feed, the need.

Tough love

Consequence

Counseling

Rehab

Quitting cold turkey

Injury

Surgery

Pain tolerance is almost non existent now, because the brain has been altered from past abuse.

Cycle starts over...

Our brain does not forget, that wonderful 

feeling of euphoria, when nothing hurts...

our hearts,

our mortal bodies,

our minds. 

"We believe, that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression." 

 Article of Faith #2

Live your life from you heart~

Share from your heart...

and

Your story will touch and heal people's souls. 

Could this story possibly help anyone, when there is just so much hurt, shame, regret...?

Only in the constant through it all, which is great 

love. 

Don't let thoughts that come from your mind...get in 

the way of

feelings, that come from your

heart.

Next time we meet...I will be 5 pounds lighter in

that fact of crying me a river, has

started up 

again.