Someone to watch over me...

...our greatest glory is not in failing...

rather rising each 

time we 

fall....

So we have grown through some character

building this week.

I say WE, because even though

the situation was focused

more directly on one of our children...we all

shared her suffering, outrage, heartache...

And

We all became more resolute in helping her

go forward, regroup...begin again.

Life is so tenuous, precious, ever changing...fluid.

We gurgle along as a brook over boulders, 
gathering in strength, 
in our momentum flowing along

creating a force which eventually grows into a mighty river

and
 at some point making our way... adding to the seas of the

earth.

I am just a Mom...a Wife, a Nana.

At times I feel like, a tired old woman who's greatest joy would

be to just sit in a chair, on the porch, in the sun...

Then something happens to a loved one

and I become a 

WARRIOR!

I pick up the torch of RIGHT...of compassion, and tenderness, of

decency, and flaming love.

The culprit of deceit 

and horrible hurt, did find it's way to our door. 

If he physically showed his face

it would be the last thing he

did in this earthly state. 

 I'm sure I would be standing in line

to hog tie him to a tree, paint him with honey, and pray for an

early spring bringing out our great bears of the wild.

There, now I've got that off my chest.

I heard just yesterday, that FB...the internet and such

is becoming a dangerous place for some to come visit because

people are becoming to depressed in comparing themselves

to everyone else out "there"...HUH?

You get what you look for.

I have found a place of refuge...a place of rebirth...a place of

laughter, and light.  Yes, admittedly there are gross and

very disturbing things as well,
  it's what you seek and focus on...these will be the things that fill your heart.

My promise to you is TRUTH, and resolve.

Honesty is a weighty proposition, but in the end pays great dividends.  I have learned this the hard way, for I am

 a mere mortal, who is fighting to find her

way as well...but what I have found

is worth the sharing...if it only helps,
 ONE in the doing.

*****

Every morning you are given (24) hours.  

They are one of the 

few things in this world you get

FREE of CHARGE.

If you had all the money in the world,

you could not buy an extra hour.

What will you do with this priceless treasure? 

So, so grateful for the knowledge

I have, that there are indeed warriors in goodness and light

who are watching over me and my family.

No matter what comes our way...we will get through it.

Together we win

Divided we fall

We win together...

or it's

No win at all! 

JUST A BLINK: Part II

I want to grow old, in an old cabin...

built by an old tree, in an

old forest...with my best friend...

The other day, my guy and I went on a drive about.

We set off for Hebgen Lake, over in Montana.

This time of year, you are guaranteed

to run into a few spirited rams that have

angled off the mountain, 

foraging for food.

I spend a lot of my time gazing out the window, as the scenery

flies by.  I am always deep in thought, and because

both of us are getting a little hard of hearing

we don't verbally say to much.

It is a silence, that is totally comfortable.

Once in a while though, I will turn towards him

and ask..."What ya thinkin'?"

At which point he rattles off a dozen or so things, and then grins and says..."That's just for starters."

I have this song playing, over and over in my head:

Homeward Bound

Bind me not, to the pasture...

chain me not, to the plow,

set me free to find my calling...

and I'll return to you somehow.

I have lived with a man of adventure, a free spirit, 

who was probably born, a hundred years to

late, to fall into the lifestyle, he eventually

has chose for himself.

I thought of  the days preceding a business trip

that took him to Istanbul, Turkey, and how

he groomed himself inside and 

out for the challenge.

The friendships that were born from that experience are ones

we will take into eternity.

IF THE DREAM'S BIG ENOUGH

THE FACTS DON'T COUNT. 

I thought of the many, many times I have seen him

off, to earn our keep:

NY, NY

Chico, CA

Reno, NV

Mardis Gras'

Jackson Hole, WY

Alaska

Mack's Inn, ID

Montana...again and again

Wyoming...never enough

It is crazy, but this man of mine...will sometimes drive over 

10-15 hours in a day,

finish his business, and

 return home...

to sleep 

in his own bed, with his woman. 

As we have gotten older, I appreciate this sacrifice of his

more and more, because I am not one who can

stay awake, for very long

if I am in a vehicle

driving

to anywhere.  

Seriously,  just cruising to Utah, if I am 

en route by myself,

 sometimes I will have to pull over and take a quick little

cat nap, before finishing up that last 

hour or so of driving.

So anyway we found the 

sheep, the rams were still up top, grazing  under the trees

but the ewes and babies had ventured to the 

highway, eating grasses and licking up

road salt. 

To see a hillside blanketed in the white of winter

is to know a particular ecstasy of beauty.

But to share it...

to walk the gray winter woods and find

buds which will resurrect their 

beauty in May...is to partake

of continuity.

*** 

 JUST A BLINK...

 

Just a blink...Part I

...making the decision to have a child is momentous!  

It is to decide forever to have 

your heart

go walking outside your body...

I shared a conversation the other day with one of our sons.

He made the comment that his wife had asked

if life was ever going to

get easy? 

 

If life were easy...It wouldn't be hard!

Our mortal experience is designed to test what we really care about, 

what we believe...what we really want to become,

and how we really feel about our Father and His Son...

We are to bear each other's burdens, even to absorb each other's burdens...

but not to cause each other's burdens. 

This comment gave me pause for a moment.  I told him

I always got anxious if things were too easy...

because then I knew another BIGGER

test was just around the corner.

I asked him what his response was.

He just grabbed her in his 

arms 

and gently reminded her of how blessed they really were.

I smiled...age will allow me that.

I smiled and sighed, and thought...this mortal existence

in the big scheme of things, is really

just a blink~

*** 

I was pulled back to a spring day when we loaded up

our new blazer and set off for an adventure.

We had invited a married couple

and the manger of 

a sporting goods store, who had become

a close friend.

Remember I said Blazer...this was back in the day, when seat belts were not mandatory...

we crammed ALL of everything we needed, including our

KIDS, in the very back.

 

Packing up all the fishing gear, and fixin's for a 

wiener roast, homemade potato salad, Texas fudge cake...extra coats, gloves and pants for our three little

boys, we headed out for a remote lake, above

Boulder, Wyoming.

I did say it was spring, right?  Spring in Wyoming, means 

there is still snow.

Oh the sky was a brilliant blue...and the sun was just blasting off

the sparkling patches of snow, dabbled up

under the sagebrush and covering the dirt trail we were on.

I am married to a man, who has redefined...

what pushing the envelope means.

There isn't a road, anywhere that he would not try to access

if the destination was worth it. 

Breaking trail on a flat surface, with four wheel drive, is a piece of cake.  We had to navigate just a little hillside, and 

the lake was just around the corner...off behind those

pines yonder'...

Hang on!  Pushing snow just a bit further.  And then off  we 

went sliding into a rut that must have been created the previous fall during the rainy season.  Covered by all of that

blistering, deceiving white, stuff!

We were so stuck...you could not open the passenger side door.

Everyone,  had to climb out over the drivers seat.

NO PROBLEMO'

We had five adults, that could get us out of this situation,

and still plenty of daylight, to do what we had come for.

~FISH~

Were we planning on impressing our guests with this outcome?

Were we creating a memory, worth reliving?

Was this something hard...that was going to be worth the effort?

Five hours later, with back breaking shoveling,

sagebrush strategically placed in front of tires...some laughter and easy banter...mostly frustrated adults, who were by now really hungry, and past the point of living out the hope of wetting a line...

We paused. 

The sun, was dipping lower into the west.

We were not going to get out of this without some help

from another source.  I did not want to sleep in the vehicle. 

The boys had been

having the time of their life.  They just wanted to know if

they were going to get to go fishin'?  "Daylights burning Dad!"

Out of humble frustration,

I called on our little men...and asked them if they could help us out.

I have shared before how I know the prayers of children

are miraculous in the nature of those who are

speaking to our Father.

Innocence, and pure in heart...belief.

It wasn't that I had not prayed myself.  I was praying non-stop...but confusing the issue, with expletives every now and then. 

Off they went to the privacy of the trees.

Oh, I can still see them holding hands, laughing as they

fell into the snow, jumping up...and walking on.

And then

silence.

They were gone longer than I thought that a simple prayer should have taken.  I was getting a little worried...maybe

they had found the lake, and got side tracked, and were 

throwing rocks...or making little boats out of the undergrowth.

I can still visualize them clamoring over the covered

brush.  The sun was creating the most delightful

silhouette's...there was no talking,

just a resoluteness in purpose.

When they reached our group, they quietly announced to me and their Dad, that help was on the way.

"How do you know?"

Dumbest question ever.

"Haven't YOU taught us, that prayer works?"

It wasn't five minutes later, we could hear the struggle of another 4x4 rumbling in on the broken trail, we had created earlier in the day. 

Between their truck and our tow ropes, we were able to wrench

that poor Blazer free...with enough time left to wet a hook. 

Honestly, I can't remember a better tasting burnt hot dog.

I promise, the event was memorable.

I guess where I am going with the tell of this tale is this:

Life is good...no matter what, comes your way.

We have a way of humbling ourselves

don't we?

...opportunities to put the test

of what you profess, will sooner or later...find their

way to your door step.

Great are our blessings.  Tremendous is our responsibility.  Let us get on our knees and plead with the Lord for direction.

Then let us stand on our own feet

square up our shoulders

and 

march forward without fear

to enlarge among people everywhere

that we KNOW who we are.

Children of the Lord~

Love one another.

Serve one another.

Be prayerful.

Be humble.

Be grateful.

God's cathedral...is all around you.

...there is no wifi

in the forest, but I promise...

you'll find a better 

connection.

 Today, I was lucky enough

to drive in pure sunshine on the way to clean

a cabin out on Boot Jack, Drive.

It was glorious.

I thought of how as a teenager, after I had bought

my first little car, a VW Beetle...I so enjoyed

my "drive abouts".

Every now and then I

would tell my folks I was going to church...and off I would

head to the mountains...

the trees, the lake...or gurgling creeks.

The sacredness and wonder of nature,

was all this troubled heart ever needed to feel whole again.

I still feel that...however, I have 

also found great harmony, sense of purpose,

promise and absolute JOY

in attending church.

I never, felt bad...when I discovered that my own 

children, had found the same sense of solace

and contentment in the mountains.

and would sometimes

sneak off,

"Climb the mountains

and get their good tidings.

Nature's peace will flow into you 

as sunshine flows

into the

trees.

The winds will blow their own 

freshness into you...and the storms their

energy,

while care will drop off 

like autumn 

leaves." 

~John Muir

Love that quote.  Saw it on a friends timeline again

today, and I smiled. 

 *

I am reminded of the time I was asked to decorate

for a wedding at the top of 

Alta's Ski Resort.

My first thought was, how to improve on perfection?

The mountain setting, is God's

cathedral.

My second was, this is not going to work, because

the Mother- in- Law who is 

paying for it

likes

Hydrangea's.

But, being in partnership with God, always has 

a happy ending. 

Every time I worked with fresh flowers for any event...I felt such an incredible

touch of my Father in Heaven...inspiring me to do it just right.

  We made it

work, with wildflowers,

sunflowers, ivy, lemon leaf, pine boughs,

and a hydrangea, here and there

for extra vibrant color.

It was a masterpiece...and memorable.

We used river rocks

for the wedding guest place cards,

riotous wreaths, encircled the post of the umbrella'd

outdoor tables, with huge hurricane lanterns,

a large candle set amongst

more rocks.

Bagpipers, heralded the wedding couple 

up the mountainside for the ceremony.

The sun had dipped behind

a cloud, and a faint breeze offered the 

perfect refreshment.

It was the weekend of the July 24th..and hot.

I did not have an air conditioned car...

and had made Starr & Britt, sit in the back

and babysit the arrangements

and brides bouqet

with misters...

from Orem, to the top of 

Little Cottonwood canyon. 

They have always been the best helpers.

Among the trailing of white twinkle lights

and greenery galore

the flowers were just icing on the cake.

It was magic.

I made friends on the East coast...and West Coast

that day.

Whoever finds a friend...finds a treasure.

Sometimes, mine are the trees.

 

Drugs...Death...and Dancing! Part VI

I thought I wept...for days that were,

but I did not~

I shed my tears, for the me, that would not be...again.

I just love this picture.

It was taken at Mack's Inn, ID.  2008 at

Thanksgiving time.

It was the last time, 

our immediate family, was able to get together.

I want to make a statement here.

THE DANCE...is life! 

It is the infinite, and the minute moments of everything

that comes along.  For me, as a Mom, as a Lover,

Auntie...Nana, friend, daughter...grand daughter...it is being 

able to embrace life, no matter what.

It is courage, it is momentary despair, it is beauty 

in the simple pleasures, or the great pleasures.

It is

recognizing God's hand in everything, 

and expressing

my thanks~

It is reaching out to people...doesn't have to be a 

big thing...doesn't even have to be a "thing"...

could be a silent prayer in their behalf,

could be the phone call that let's them know, 

they matter,

could be the gentle touch on their shoulder,

in passing by.

*****

Last night, I was busy heating up LG's marinara, to go with

some fresh spinach and cheese ravioli's.

Salad was made, table set...candles lit.

I had turned on the broiler, to toast a few bread sticks.

All of a sudden I noticed the kitchen filling with smoke,

and it was pouring out of the seal near the

oven door.

I cracked it open to see why...

FIRE!

Oh my heck, I had forgotten, that we had leftover pizza,

in the box from the other night.

And it was a full-fledged, all out flame!!

I must have screamed, I was grabbing inside to get it,

when there was my man,

pushing me out of the way, and taking the inferno,

out of my hands. 

I saw my life pass before my eyes...

Throwing it into the sink and blasting away with the faucet...

I began to blow on it!

Why it didn't snake up and grab the curtains above us,

I have  no idea.

Why LG & I did not burn our hands...

I have NO idea.

I took another deep breath and said, I can't believe  this...

and then there was this

black stinky, smoldering piece of

cardboard, being tossed outside to die in the snow.

I felt like a little kid.

I waited for the reprimand, or the stern look...

something, anything,

that let me know

this was stupid, and should not have happened.

But, it never came.

A few minutes later, we were seated at the table...holding

hands, ready for a prayer on the food.

I peeked with one eye to look at my guy...wondering why

he had not started to pray.

There he was sneaking a peek at me, grinning away...

shaking in controlled laughter, that

could not be contained, and 

erupted

in an all out guffaw!

Lord, have mercy!  And THANK YOU,

for keeping, us & the house free from harm, and the ravages

of a fire.

Tomorrow, has deep cleaning, written all over it~

*****

People may forget what you say...

They may forget what you do,

BUT

They will never forget the way you make them feel

I like me best, when I'm with...

YOU!

 

 

The biggest trouble maker, you'll ever meet...says HI to you in the mirror, every day.

If your eyes are open...you'll see things

worth seeing!

 

 

So today saw me off, to the races!

I had an early morning meeting, with a gentleman providing me with another opportunity to grow.

 

You know, I have never outgrown my love for coloring, and 

I am finally...making a wee bit of money from it.

 

What inspires someone like me?

A kid inside, who has never quite grown up.

As a young'un, years and years ago, my cousin and I

would literally color for hours at a time.

It was our goal...this time set aside, after all chores were

done, inside and outside of the home.

 

She lived next door to me.

We were more than cousins...we were the very best of friends.

We did everything together,including getting in trouble. 

I will never forget the spring when Grandpa Park,

had set out the beehives...close to the apple orchards.

Those curious white boxes, were HONEY holders.

 

Now there was something that needed exploring.

 

It was early in the day...the sun, had just started to warm

 the grasses under our feet.  

The hives were humming with activity, a droning buzz so intriguing for

the mind of a child.

 

 

Every child is born a naturalist.

Their eyes are by nature...open to the glory of  everything 

around them.

The stars, flowers, apple trees...

just the sweet mysteries of life.

 

 

Diane, being the oldest...said she would take a peek first.

 

OH NO!

 

The shock of seeing her covered in bees, yelling and swatting at everything! 

 

WE SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. 

 

It was obvious, this was the reason, we were told to stay away,

I ran crying, and screaming for help, as she collapsed to the ground. 

I could not have been more than four years of age.

This became a horrible nightmare.

She had to be hospitalized, for shock, and became so allergic

that she will carry an epi-pen, for the rest of her life.

All I got from it, was a whoppin'

and not being able to 

color for a few days, with the person who meant

the world to me.

 

I thought about this today

as I was driving home from my "coloring contract".

 

 

I need to call my cuz,

just to say "hi"...and do you remember when?

I used to spend so much time reacting and responding to everyone else that my life had no direction.  Other peoples lives,

problems, and wants set the course for my life.

Once I realized it was okay for me to think about and identify

what I wanted...remarkable things

began to happen.

All along the way...I colored.

Death...Drugs...and Dancing: Part V

"I want to love another woman, as much as I did Erin, my ex-wife.

I want to love all of my family, relatives and friends, as much as the Savior loves me.

I want to love all human beings unconditionally.

I want to love life...as much as I did

when I was a child...

without a worry or care in the world."

*

December 2009

So, here we are...another day in the life of

US'uns.

As you have probably deduced...I had to put this one to the side for a couple of days. The memories, just would not taper off.

I'm at a loss, as to where the best place would be to pick up...and complete this phase. Our youngest son was given another chance at life.  His years in Idaho, the first time, with his older brother and their family, was filled with healing, work, and some sunshine along the way.  I do not know what precipitated his relapse...probably too much stinkin' thinkin'~Really, I do not know. Years before when he walked out of the hospital, he had accrued numerous debts, to society, hospital bills, etc.  He had lost his wife to divorce, his truck, and his driving privliege.  That's a lot, for a young buck.

...if you find yourself, in a hole...the first thing to do is stop diggin'...

 

 One day

we got a phone call, saying that he had been kicked out of their home, because of lying...and not living up to the code of honor he had committed to, while living under their care.

I understood where they were coming from...I'd been there, and lived through it.

 I drove to Rexburg,...and brought him home.  Probably should not have, it is so easy to say...shoulda'...coulda'...woulda'...

didn't!

This is where I wish, I could erase every hurtful, unreasonable action he lived through.  He would disappear for days on end, and then come by to say,  "Hi, I'm still alive...but wish I did not have this monkey around my neck".  He shared stuff with me, I will never be able to get out of my head.  Who his supplier was, where the scripts were coming in from, and his fear of taking action...for fear of what would happen to his family.

Well, I wasn't afraid...

I figured, nothing could be worse than the death we were already living through, so we did what we could...

and

 Shortly, thereafter...we took an opportunity to move north to Idaho.  My husband became the GM, at one of the resorts up here, and it provided an opportunity for any of our family who wanted a new start...to follow us.

Several did...and we had backbreaking bliss, for a couple of years. 

In spite of himself, he never really quit trying~his journals are full of entries with goals, abundant love and future ambitions.  Up until the week he died, he was willing to do whatever society asked of him...court appearances, weekend jail time, random blood and urine tests...anything to pay back his debt of broken laws.

And then 2010

our year of a 1,000 tears.

January of that year, our first loss...our beloved hound, Bison.  He had been a member of our family for 14 years...he was one of us, and ours sons, companion.

Was the old wives tale of: tragedy comes in threes, true?

Unfortunately for us...it was a year of unspeakable sadness in death.

First Bison, my sweet Mother, our precious son-in-law...

a brother, and then our

youngest son.

* 

One night, he was drinking at the bar...he had replaced alcohol for pills, an addict, is an addict...he had just changed 

one form for another. 

 When he was under the influence of  alcohol...he was not himself, he became mean...and that is where he lost his balance.  He had put so much overload on his brain function, in the past with pills, and now alcohol, that he began to have uncontrollable seizures...It paralyzed all of us.

The bar scene, inflicted a fight in the parking lot, leaving him with 

injuries to an ankle that required surgery.

 One plate and 12 screw later, with oxycontins for pain,

I knew they cycle would begin, again. 
 

*****

I should back up...I should tell you about the wonderful days

we had, living outside of Jackson Hole...the kids were young, LG was busy taking hunters, on horseback into the Teton Wilderness.

On a sunny day you would find me outside, hanging wash on the line...enjoying

the fact that I could. 

I should tell you, of the adventure of sending my young'uns out to cut down a tree, before their Dad got home that night...and their coming home with an evergreen that would put any Charlie Brown tree, to shame...we gave it a place of honor in a huge basket propped upright, in our kitchen.

I should tell you, of the hours and hours, we all spent at every ball field in the state, school ball, city leagues, and all-star teams...

American Legion. 

I should tell you of the nights, outside on the lawn, laying on a blanket looking up at the stars...sharing dreams, dreams...and more dreams.

I should tell you of the hours spent, building little towns, with the most detailed roads, cabins...and horse pastures

that a "little mind" could imagine...on hills of dirt

in the garden.

I should tell you of excellence in the mountains, tracking a big game animal...calling in an elk, until you feared he might charge right over the top of you.

I should tell you of the hours, and hours spent with nephews,

playing ball...showing them the needed tenderness

to have your dog...do the bidding of

his master.

I should tell you of the night, when we rolled our suburban off a 45' cliff, ending in the cold waters of the Provo River...

and it was this son, who had the presence of 

mind to call us all together for 

prayer...as his

Dad, climbed up the side of the mountain to go for help.

It was late at night in November of 2009

and I received the following text:

"Mom, success is who you are and what you are doing each day and night.  Success is a way of traveling, tilling and gardening...failure is delay, not defeat!  Successful people believe in dreams...successful people share their dreams...successful people work their plans.

I love you, Mom...I believe in you."  

I saved this on my phone, for two years, until the phone had to be replaced.

December 10,2010

*** 

Zackery James Ellison

Died of aspiration to the lungs, from a seizure...

brought on from years of

prescription abuse. 

***

To the reader:

"Promise me you'll remember, you're braver than you 

believe...stronger than you seem...

and

smarter than you think!"  

Christopher Robin

If you are someone facing the reality of a loved one who is an 
addict

and wondering just where the heck do you go

from here...I always compare myself to one of Irish 

character.  I say:

Look at the trees, maimed, stark and misshapen, but 

ferociously tenacious!  May you carry the 

scars of love and success...

Make a plan, 

work your plan, ask questions...ask for help.

Take nothing for granted, stay humble, and pray often.

In spite of the devastation of losing a son, 

I am so glad we had him for as long as we did...

the JOY of Zack,

far outweighed the nightmare.