Death...Drugs...and Dancing: Part V

"I want to love another woman, as much as I did Erin, my ex-wife.

I want to love all of my family, relatives and friends, as much as the Savior loves me.

I want to love all human beings unconditionally.

I want to love life...as much as I did

when I was a child...

without a worry or care in the world."

*

December 2009

So, here we are...another day in the life of

US'uns.

As you have probably deduced...I had to put this one to the side for a couple of days. The memories, just would not taper off.

I'm at a loss, as to where the best place would be to pick up...and complete this phase. Our youngest son was given another chance at life.  His years in Idaho, the first time, with his older brother and their family, was filled with healing, work, and some sunshine along the way.  I do not know what precipitated his relapse...probably too much stinkin' thinkin'~Really, I do not know. Years before when he walked out of the hospital, he had accrued numerous debts, to society, hospital bills, etc.  He had lost his wife to divorce, his truck, and his driving privliege.  That's a lot, for a young buck.

...if you find yourself, in a hole...the first thing to do is stop diggin'...

 

 One day

we got a phone call, saying that he had been kicked out of their home, because of lying...and not living up to the code of honor he had committed to, while living under their care.

I understood where they were coming from...I'd been there, and lived through it.

 I drove to Rexburg,...and brought him home.  Probably should not have, it is so easy to say...shoulda'...coulda'...woulda'...

didn't!

This is where I wish, I could erase every hurtful, unreasonable action he lived through.  He would disappear for days on end, and then come by to say,  "Hi, I'm still alive...but wish I did not have this monkey around my neck".  He shared stuff with me, I will never be able to get out of my head.  Who his supplier was, where the scripts were coming in from, and his fear of taking action...for fear of what would happen to his family.

Well, I wasn't afraid...

I figured, nothing could be worse than the death we were already living through, so we did what we could...

and

 Shortly, thereafter...we took an opportunity to move north to Idaho.  My husband became the GM, at one of the resorts up here, and it provided an opportunity for any of our family who wanted a new start...to follow us.

Several did...and we had backbreaking bliss, for a couple of years. 

In spite of himself, he never really quit trying~his journals are full of entries with goals, abundant love and future ambitions.  Up until the week he died, he was willing to do whatever society asked of him...court appearances, weekend jail time, random blood and urine tests...anything to pay back his debt of broken laws.

And then 2010

our year of a 1,000 tears.

January of that year, our first loss...our beloved hound, Bison.  He had been a member of our family for 14 years...he was one of us, and ours sons, companion.

Was the old wives tale of: tragedy comes in threes, true?

Unfortunately for us...it was a year of unspeakable sadness in death.

First Bison, my sweet Mother, our precious son-in-law...

a brother, and then our

youngest son.

* 

One night, he was drinking at the bar...he had replaced alcohol for pills, an addict, is an addict...he had just changed 

one form for another. 

 When he was under the influence of  alcohol...he was not himself, he became mean...and that is where he lost his balance.  He had put so much overload on his brain function, in the past with pills, and now alcohol, that he began to have uncontrollable seizures...It paralyzed all of us.

The bar scene, inflicted a fight in the parking lot, leaving him with 

injuries to an ankle that required surgery.

 One plate and 12 screw later, with oxycontins for pain,

I knew they cycle would begin, again. 
 

*****

I should back up...I should tell you about the wonderful days

we had, living outside of Jackson Hole...the kids were young, LG was busy taking hunters, on horseback into the Teton Wilderness.

On a sunny day you would find me outside, hanging wash on the line...enjoying

the fact that I could. 

I should tell you, of the adventure of sending my young'uns out to cut down a tree, before their Dad got home that night...and their coming home with an evergreen that would put any Charlie Brown tree, to shame...we gave it a place of honor in a huge basket propped upright, in our kitchen.

I should tell you, of the hours and hours, we all spent at every ball field in the state, school ball, city leagues, and all-star teams...

American Legion. 

I should tell you of the nights, outside on the lawn, laying on a blanket looking up at the stars...sharing dreams, dreams...and more dreams.

I should tell you of the hours spent, building little towns, with the most detailed roads, cabins...and horse pastures

that a "little mind" could imagine...on hills of dirt

in the garden.

I should tell you of excellence in the mountains, tracking a big game animal...calling in an elk, until you feared he might charge right over the top of you.

I should tell you of the hours, and hours spent with nephews,

playing ball...showing them the needed tenderness

to have your dog...do the bidding of

his master.

I should tell you of the night, when we rolled our suburban off a 45' cliff, ending in the cold waters of the Provo River...

and it was this son, who had the presence of 

mind to call us all together for 

prayer...as his

Dad, climbed up the side of the mountain to go for help.

It was late at night in November of 2009

and I received the following text:

"Mom, success is who you are and what you are doing each day and night.  Success is a way of traveling, tilling and gardening...failure is delay, not defeat!  Successful people believe in dreams...successful people share their dreams...successful people work their plans.

I love you, Mom...I believe in you."  

I saved this on my phone, for two years, until the phone had to be replaced.

December 10,2010

*** 

Zackery James Ellison

Died of aspiration to the lungs, from a seizure...

brought on from years of

prescription abuse. 

***

To the reader:

"Promise me you'll remember, you're braver than you 

believe...stronger than you seem...

and

smarter than you think!"  

Christopher Robin

If you are someone facing the reality of a loved one who is an 
addict

and wondering just where the heck do you go

from here...I always compare myself to one of Irish 

character.  I say:

Look at the trees, maimed, stark and misshapen, but 

ferociously tenacious!  May you carry the 

scars of love and success...

Make a plan, 

work your plan, ask questions...ask for help.

Take nothing for granted, stay humble, and pray often.

In spite of the devastation of losing a son, 

I am so glad we had him for as long as we did...

the JOY of Zack,

far outweighed the nightmare.